穿越階級藤蔓——父女關係斷裂與再生歷程

Breaking and Rebuilding Bounds-Reflecting on My Father-Daughter Relationship

本文透過自我敘說，反覆回看故事、反思，並行動，以社會脈絡觀點，看見個人試圖證明自己非失能者，透過升學考試提升自己，往「文明世界」靠近，並排斥回返「不文明世界」。即個人與母親緊密不可分背後，亦與對父親刻意疏離有關，疏離是想脫離「貧窮」，也想透過不斷唸書來提升「階級地位」，這反而使我與家庭產生關係斷裂。在父女關係斷裂之處，看見我對「失能恐懼」背後的社會建構，包括「失業等於失能——父女關係斷裂」、「晉升作為擺脫不利處境的策略」、「不斷向上爬——內化為強迫性焦慮與動力」。最後，研究者透過「父女相伴尋根」、「聽父親說他的生命故事」、「父親聽我說我的生命故事」、「召集生命故事見證人」、「父女關係位移」、「家庭關係挪移」等行動重新接起父女間斷裂的關係。

The present essay is a self-narrative; using past story-telling, reflections, actions, and social factors in an attempt to clarify that “I” am not without abilities, that I improved myself through the process of education and school admissions testing, and becoming closer to a “civilized world.”Behind my unbreakable bounds with my mother were deliberate attempts of separation from my father. I attempted this separation to escape “poverty,” and aimed to elevate my “class” by means of education. This ultimately led to a falling out with family. Based on my broken father-daughter relationship, this essay attempts to trace and reflect on my social construct of “fear of inability.” Finally, the essay closes with a gradual reconciliation with my father through mutual story telling of memories.