從沉倫走向能動：一個諮商實務工作者的自我敘說到社會實踐

From Drowned to Agency: Social-practice of a Counseling Practitioner on a Self-narrative

這是一個關於「我」的故事。關於一個即將從事諮商實務工作的男性，經歷專業與生命的斷裂，為了找尋出路而真實面對自我，所進行的自我探究。論文的目的是希望透過自我敘說和理解自我的過程，找尋已經失落的生命圖象，從學習與生活的無力朝向著未來，以獲得自我與專業的雙重認同。這樣的論文著重的是個人發展的多樣性與複雜性，用故事性思考的方式進行自我敘說和理解，以達到詮譯性的解釋，其中個人的生命歷史和其所處的社會文化，是經驗再呈現和再理解的兩個重要脈絡。透過敘說性理解，研究者所產生的啟示是，個人所遭遇到的某種長期情緒混亂或生命斷裂，不應被視做某種病理性的異常，而是個人生命在某個社會處境被異化的結果，這是種存在性的經驗。只有回到生命的存有狀態，用故事的觀點來理解，那些鋪陳在社會經濟脈絡（如台灣加工型經濟下的勞動家庭）和個人生命發展（如男性獨子）之河的破碎經驗（如奇特的夢、矛盾的情感、片斷的生活事件），才能召喚出其炤炤之意，原本看似阻礙生命之頑石，放置在生命敘說之河，才能反映其彰顯生命存在的意義。透過自我探究，研究者也發現情感知識具有感通的力量，當生命的斷裂出現時，情感會用著不同的方式體現生命的存在，昭示著人的存有。對於一個諮商專業工作者，自我敘說是邁向社會實踐的一條道路，透過生命歷史和社會處境的理解，個人不再是權威式的置入實務場域，帶著批判意識的介入，使得提問式的對話變得可能，內歛而參與當中的理解，將產生互為主體的教育實踐意義。

This story is about “I”. About a male who devotes himself to be a counseling practitioner, experienced the abruption of profession and life, and searching for a way out by facing his real self. This research is a self-study. The aim of this research focuses on how the loss of life image could be retrieved through self-narrative and self-understanding. From the incapacity of life and study to the agency of future, the dual-identity of life and of profession could be affirmed. The morphogenesis and diversity of self-development are emphasized in this study. By the way of self-narrative and self-understanding, narrative thinking is used to achieve hermeneutic explanation. In order to represent and re-examine one’s life experiences, the individual’s life history and social culture are two important contexts of focus. Trough narrative understanding, theinspiration of the researcher suggests that long-term emotional confusion or life break-up experienced by an individual should not be considered as some kind of medical disorder, but instead, should be understood as the alienation of individual life from social situation. This kind of experience is the existential anxiety. Only when we return to the original status of life being and begin to understand it through a narrative perspective, those fragmental experiences (such as strange dreams, conflictive complex, fragmented life events) which are laid among the stream of social-economic contexts (such as the labour family in Taiwan’s OEM economics) and of individual life development (such as being a man, being the only male offspring) can call for its sparkling meaning. Those stones that were originally thought to impede life could reflect their existential meaning when they are placed in the narrative river of life. Through this self-narrative study, the researcher also discovers that sensational knowledge can have the power of disclosing subjectivity. When the abruption of life appears, our emotions would embody the existential meaning of life and indicate the Dasein of the human. For a professional counseling practitioner, self-narrative is a way to social practice. Through the contextual understanding of life history and of social situation, we don’t have to locate ourselves behind the professional mask in the practice field. Instead, with a critical conscious, we can introduce the possibility of proposal (dialogic) conversation. If we have the indwelling understanding from participating, inter-subjectivity of praxis-oriented pedagogy will be fulfilled.